


The Matchmaker's Club (Whose Official Title Is Still In Development)

by SylaBub



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: F/M, really bad matchmaking strategies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SylaBub/pseuds/SylaBub
Summary: The Deep Hurting is headed for Earth, but it can't get there fast enough for the bots, who are sick of watching Jonah and Donna dance around each other without admitting how much they want to have weird science sex. So they come up with a plan to get those nerds together already. Let's just say... better plans have been made.





	The Matchmaker's Club (Whose Official Title Is Still In Development)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Paycheckgurl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paycheckgurl/gifts).



> HI!! So, I apologized SO MUCH for how late this is, 2019 did NOT start off good to me at all. I hold to it that I'm not much of a prose writer, but I hope this is at least sort of, somehow, worth the wait.

“Alright,” Tom Servo said, banging his head against the wooden chair he was hovering over like a gavel. “I officially call this meeting of the Deep Hurting Matchmaker’s Society to order.”

“Did we agree on that name?” asked Crow.

“I don’t remember agreeing on that name,” Gypsum added as she descended from the ceiling.

“I still think we should go with ‘The Lonely Hearts Club Because They’re Lonely Humans and Also Humans Are Simple Biological Creatures Who Only Have One Heart.”

“No way, Crow. It’s too clunky,” Gypsum argued as Cambot chirped and clicked in affirmation. “If our time suffering under Kinga taught us anything, it was the importance of brand marketing, and we can’t let—“

“The name doesn’t matter!” Servo interrupted. “We’re letting it distract us from our true purpose here; namely, getting Jonah and Dr. St. Phibes to put us all out of our misery and—“

“Just boink already?” asked Crow.

“…Admit their feelings for each other,” Servo finished.

“It’s getting really sad, guys,” said Gypsum. “Last night, I was coiled up in the ceiling for two hours watching Dr. St. Phibes do different things with her hair before she saw Jonah, and then all she said to him at dinner was a ‘hello’ that he didn’t hear and then ‘can you please pass the butter.’”

Everyone groaned. “We’ve been on the course for Earth for two weeks. This is what happens when you leave scientists to try and seduce each other,” muttered Crow.

“And we know he feels the same way about her,” said Servo. “I read it in his diary.”

“Wait, you read his diary?” asked Gypsum.

“Yeah. It’s normal, because we’re best friends.”

“We’ve tried everything,” said Crow. “Playing romantic music over the ship loudspeakers, telling Jonah we believe in him, telling him all her favorite movies so they can watch them together. What’s it gonna take, us locking them in one of the airlocks together and threatening to let them die in the vast, cold emptiness of space unless they get over themselves and admit they’re into each other already?!”

The only sound in the room was mechanical whirring as all the bots whipped their heads toward Crow with renewed interest.

“It’s not… the worst idea you’ve ever had.”

 

“Guys, it’s 3:02 in the morning,” Jonah grumbled as Servo and Crow ushered him through the halls of the Deep Hurting.

“C’mon, Jonah, time’s not even real in space!” Crow yelled, far too loudly for the hour. “You gotta see this meteor shower, it’s amazing!”

“Okay, fine, but there better be some coffee waiting for me,” said Jonah as he raised a hand to tame his endearingly rumpled bedhead.

“Don’t touch your hair!” yelled Servo.

“Why?”

“Because it looks cute that way, and you’re going to want to look good for… the meteors.”

Jonah blinked a few times, like he was trying to figure out exactly what didn’t make sense about that statement, before ultimately deciding he wasn’t awake enough to put his finger on what it was and shrugging in defeat.

“Come on, let’s move!” cheered Crow. “The view is best from the airlock.”

Jonah was still about 64% sure that he was still asleep and just having a very loud, very annoying dream, but he was jolted wide awake when he stumbled into the airlock to find Donna already there. Her curls spilled down her neck, and her sleep lab coat was crumpled, but, Jonah decided, in a cute way. He was sure she was the only woman alive who was at her absolute most beautiful in the middle of the night.

“Jonah! Hello,” said Donna, her cheeks flushing.

“Good… morning, Donna,” said Jonah, trying hard not to choke on his own tongue. “Are you here to watch the meteor shower too?”

“Meteor shower? What are you talking about? I’m just here because Gypsum woke me up and told me I had to—“

Before she could finish her sentence, the door to the airlock slammed shut behind them. Jonah banged against the door.

“Crow? Servo? What’s going on out there?”

As if in response, a timer began beeping rhythmically on the other side of the door.

“Hello, my gullible organic friends!” cried Gypsum’s voice.

“Gypsum? What’s happening? What’s going on?” asked Donna.

“We’re getting real tired of all the sexual tension on this ship, guys,” said Crow.

“Just… so much. So much tension. Everywhere we go, it smells like spring break in Mexico.” Even from behind the door, Jonah could hear the hauntedness in Servo’s voice.

“So we’re taking matters into our own hands. We’ve got you guys locked in there, and you’re not coming out until you guys just get over yourselves and admit that you’re in weird scientist nerd love with each other already!”

Jonah could feel a blush creeping up his neck.

“Um, I—Well, you see, I—I’m not—“ Donna tried to interject, which made her look adorable, which only made Jonah blush harder.

“You better hop to it, y’all!” said Gypsum. “Because you hear that countdown? If you both don’t get over yourselves and admit the truth, when this timer hits zero, you’ll be ejected out of the ship into the unforgiving void of space!”

“WHAT?!” shouted Jonah and Donna at the same time.

From there, everything quickly descended into a melee of voices shouting to be heard over each other, the ever-quickening beeping of the timer, and the distinct sound of a 6’5” man throwing himself against the airlock door in a futile attempt to get free.

“You can’t do this to us! Please!” Jonah screamed.

“We don’t answer to you,” Servo replied. “Only Father Time.”

“How much time even is there on that timer?!”

“We’re not telling! That’s the whole point!”

“That is not any kind of an effective threat!” 

Jonah stopped slamming himself against the unmoving steel door and sank down on the floor, a bruise already forming on his shoulder.  
“This is completely insane,” he told Donna. “The bots are my friends. I built them. It should be some kind of provision in their programming that they can’t hurl me out into space, but I didn’t think to add that in when I was designing them, because I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO!”

“Well... we could always just… give them what they want.” Donna suggested shyly.

“Are you kidding?” laughed Jonah. “That’s the last thing I want to do.”

Donna flinched like she’d been physically slapped.

“What?” asked Jonah, the stress apparent in his voice.

“Never mind, it’s just that I thought… well, I’d hoped… I mean, you talk to me so often about B-movie monsters! No one without an advanced degree in the subject is that interested in kaiju larvae!”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s just… I guess I thought that maybe you did… feel… the way that your mechanical friends are suggesting you feel,” said Donna. She cleared her throat before murmuring the last part so quietly that Jonah almost couldn’t hear her. “The way that I feel.”

“Oh… Oh, Donna, oh, god, um, of course I—I just meant that I didn’t want the bots to threaten our lives by trying to blast us off into space! And that’s a little because I don’t want to die, but mostly it’s because I’d never want anything to happen to you. Because you’re the most intelligent, interesting, beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and admittedly, my bar was sort of lowered since I was almost forced to marry Kinga, but I would have thought that even before all that happened! You clear, like, the highest bar, Donna. A true origin Godzilla wouldn’t be able to step over the bar you set, because it’s just that high.”

Donna looked completely confused. “So… are you trying to say—“

“Right, sorry! Yes. I do. Have feelings for you, also.”

Donna’s smile was so wide that it almost knocked her glasses off.

“Donna?”

“Yes?”

“If it wouldn’t be too weird, could I kiss you right now?”

“You know, I’ve always wanted a really weird first kiss.”  
“…”

“…”

“Hey guys, it worked!” cheered Crow. “We got them together!”

“No, you didn’t!” Donna broke the kiss to yell.

“This literally happened 100% in spite of you,” Jonah added.

“Uh… guys?” asked Servo. “Does anyone know how to turn this countdown off?”

Somewhere in the frenzy of cranking metal and screams that ensued, someone (let’s face it, definitely Gypsum) was able to stop the countdown- by turning off all the power in the kitchen of the Deep Hurting. But Jonah and Donna were far too busy to notice.


End file.
